If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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