And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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