Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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