I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
foreskin is a definite game changer
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
