paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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