handjob tips. give me some.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
