remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
