a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
