I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
