One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I love you.
Bad choice
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize