She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
