Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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