Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize