you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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