Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
