If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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