I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
