How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
