I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
