hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
