Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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