Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
