Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I wish life had little blips of pornography
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
