You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
