the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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