I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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