I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
