Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
