do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
