Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
