last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
