theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
