i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize