Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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