New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
