The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
