Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize