mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
