She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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