at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize