the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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