We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Randomize
