I only kidnapped one of them. chill
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
