i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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