I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
