I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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