i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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