Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
