just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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