Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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