your parents love me but you hate me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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