Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I checked into jail on foursquare
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
