You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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