I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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