He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
