You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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