I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize