Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
