I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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