would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
